he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
