my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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