if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
