My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
