normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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