Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
