This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
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I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
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He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.