Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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