he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
