In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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