I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
