my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
