just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
