Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
