A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
