He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
