Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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