I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
