I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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