My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
