How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
