is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
