if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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