I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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