there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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