i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
