Don't make out with my wife yet
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
