I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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