Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
