Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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