I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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