sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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