I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
