im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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