so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
