There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize