Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
