It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
