dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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