My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
