i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
why is half of my head shaved?
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