Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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