So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
it glows. i had to have it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
