I wish my penis had an off switch
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
