I think my fart just growled at me.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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