Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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