I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
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i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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