so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
