6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.