I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Houston, we have a squirter
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night