So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
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Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.