dude i'm inner monologue high
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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