just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
