he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
