saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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