are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
