Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
