ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
BRING THE BAGELS
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
