i permit you to call me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
