omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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