Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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