Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
